Today is the one year anniversary of the worst night of my life, the worst 24, 48, 72 hours of my life. It was the longest period of my life I ever went with no sleep, until I finally accidentally fell asleep during a movie at a friend’s house. Looking back, I was pretty function for the emotional wreck I was. I went to work to keep myself sane, hung out with friends because I didn’t want to be alone.
I’d like to briefly reflect on the lack of progress I’ve made. A few days ago I had to leave Joanne Fabrics because I started crying in the middle of shopping. I was uncomfortable, people were staring at me, I couldn’t focus on why I was there. I still cry a lot more than I ever used to, pretty much any time I start thinking about it. It’s something I think about on an almost daily basis. Obviously I have been crying a lot today. It’s something that upsets me greatly. I carry around a lot of regret with me. I’m not sure if it’s ever going to go away. This monkey on my back, will it ever go away?
In commemoration of the whole ordeal, I got tattooed today. In script on my shoulder it says “Learn to Live”. I chose to omit the “again” at the end of the phrase because to be honest I absolutely hate the question “What does your tattoo mean??” and I really did not want to suffer through that with this tattoo. Learn to Live is self-explanatory and begs no further questioning. The tattoo is a reminder to myself, because for the past year I have been surviving. I have been fighting and surviving, but I am not sure how much living I have been doing. I need to learn how to live again.